Andrei Podell

One day Andrei and I were driving back from San Francisco - I don’t remember why - but we were crossing the Bay Bridge on the lower deck and we were talking about anything and everything. I remember how inspired he was by his brother Stefan and how Andrei was saying that Stefan was going to become a “professor of meta knowledge” and that Andrei thought it would be cool to do that too. For several minutes he described what it would mean to be a professor of meta knowledge but, essentially, it indicated to me how naturally inspired Andrei was by all that one could know. So, in the best of Socratic tradition, it was our own little modern day trip to the Delphic Oracle, where, a long, long time ago, Socrates was declared by the Oracle as the wisest man in the world because “all that I know is that I know nothing at all”.

Dear Andrei

It’s been a few weeks since your passing – and it’s still hard for me to believe.  When I heard that you were gone of course I didn’t believe it…. we had just spoken on the phone the day before.  I tried to call you a few times, once at your home, heard your outgoing message, and then called your cell phone.  It told me that your number was disconnected.  I got the pit in my stomach at that point and of course, I knew.

Since that time, I’ve been in somewhat of a state of disbelief.  I see the website with all of the blog entries – from Stefan, your mom, people who know you very well.  There are a few photos there, too.  Ones of you, and of course, Luckie, who is such a sweetie.  One of my favorite memories of one of our phone conversations was a time where I could hear Luckie in the back ground, barking…your soft soothing calm voice assuring her that all was ok.  I imagine that you could have talked to people that way…people you would hold close .Your friends, Melissa, your family…you had the ability to make us feel secure, strong, confident.

Our times on the phone and in person, you always had a way of making me feel so great.  You were an ally for me.  A friend that I felt really understood me. There was such an incredible connection we had, work, life, friends…at E-Myth in all of our years there together, it was the only time I felt someone there really understood me, my point of view, my angst, my love of that great work.  I so enjoyed working with your clients.  I considered them an incredible gift just to get one.  They were the best kind of client, as I knew you took incredible care of them as they were going thru their decision making process.  Once you got to CBS I also had a chance to work with Hal and Rick, who are both going to be fantastic clients.  You were able to touch their souls, help them realize what was important for their lives.  They bring that with them as I work with them.  Helping them get what it is that they want but were afraid to grab by themselves.

I miss you so much.  I haven’t really cried but I find myself tearing up now, just for thinking of you.  I can still hear your voice, that calm low sweet tone, always with a smile, care, and love.  You are truly a friend, wonderful man, who I loved very deeply for who you are, your energy, passion, care, and intelligence.  Your unwavering determination to make things right, live life, and make sure others get what it is that they want.  And some how, you thrived on that…it was enough for you to see others smile, live, and gain.  The word “connection” defines my experience of you….you were such an influence in connections.  Always thinking who should know who, work with who, talk with who…and anyone who had the pleasure to work with you gained just by being in connection with you.

I miss you and for very selfish reasons.  I feel like someone who cared for me, who understood me, who weeded thru all the crap to get to the core, who never stopped at level one, who always dug for the real…my champion, my true friend – is now silent.  When you passed, I felt like a part of who I am, how I’m validated, and how I really want to be seen, left with you.  No one in my professional life knows me the way you do.  In some important ways, I became the coach I am today because of you.  I’m sad, I’m lonely, and I’m angry.

I’m looking ahead to what I will do, and of course it will be to move on…with a little less joy for a while, but knowing you, I’m moving on with confidence, clarity and strength.   I want to carry your heart with me, your insights, your perspective…your desire to connect, to make it work, so that we can all get what it is that we want.

Andrei, my friend…  I miss you.  You were special and warm and loving and kind.  I’ve learned that its important to make sure that everyone I love should know how I feel, as I did that night with you on the phone…telling you that you were one of my most favorite people in the world.  It made you giggle and smile and I’m glad.  It made me strong and I’m even more grateful than you realize.  I hope you see me now, and know. If I could ask that you stay with me, in spirit, as I navigate thru this time in my life.  Watch and support, and just be.
I love you.

My thanks and love, and forever thoughts and dreams…

Rem

I was visiting once and Marcelle took Andrei and me to a Thai restaurant in Pacifica where she was living at the time. As we perused the menu, with all the funny sounding names for dishes, Andrei and I completely regressed, laughing like little boys at “Thai Prik”, “Fauk Yao”, and “Poo Pad”. In the face of this infantilism, Marcelle stoicly endured, as she does now.

Today, Stefan and Caity gave me a folder with cards I had sent to Andrei over time.  I was both surprised and moved that Andrei would have kept so many of them for so long.

As I read through them, the following one stood out, mostly because of the timelessness and the universality of the message.  It was Andrei’s 18th Birthday.  At the time, he was quite lanky and very self-conscious of his body. Here is what I wrote then:

Dearest Andrei,

Thank you for choosing to come into our lives eighteen years ago. In honor of your birthday, I want to share with you a passage from Awakening to the Tao - it is a special message for you as you are making ever finer distinctions in your life.

“The Tao is in the body.  Within the body is hidden another person who always accompanies you, whatever you do.  Awake or asleep, it is always there, looking, listening, talking, walking - it is very, very close.  This is not the awareness of conditioned knowledge, it is the original sane energy, vitality and spirit.  If you seek this in terms of form or shape, you are mistaking the servant for the master’”.

And the seeming paradox,

“… The Way is in flexibility…. To attain the Tao requires resolution, cutting decisively through whatever holds you back …

The Tao is independent.  Independence means you have to love yourself.  If you, yourself are present, things cannot drag you down or around …”

I love you, Andrei.  I am blessed and enriched by your presence in my life.  Happy Birthday, dear heart.

Marcelle

Andrei was observing me in the house one day, and remarked,

“Justin, everything you do is so…..regal !“  

The comment was more revealing about Andrei than about me. So, coming from him, I couldn’t but agree.

“IF” by Rudyard Kipling
http://www.swarthmore.edu/~apreset1/docs/if.html

Your sunshine is alive in my heart and mind

As a child in Montreal visiting your cousins

You waited for me after school, at the top of the stairs with yours arms wide open

You looked and felt like the light of being…

As we got older you came to the Aegean in Greece for family

We shared much love and laughed our way to happiness

It was the next morning of the New Year

As I woke up, you welcomed me to my house with a gift from your heart

All was cleaned and you wished me a happy new year

We hugged without words as there was no need,

You prepared a meal with Yams so delicious

We have not been in an earthly contact since…

When Marcelle called us, I was speechless as to her pain, Stefan’s , Jerry’s

all who love you…

I had a strong connection with you that day, I knew where you were heading in your travels !

Your presence is in the rays of our lives here, as we prepare a better place

I feel you as I write these lines

May we all give our love to you in this life, for life , as your wish I am sure is…

You were ready to go my sweet cousin, enjoy your trip with my open arms

When we see each other again, what a tale that will be!

I love you Andrei

Milou

Immigration separated all of us and I’m sorry we grew up in different lands.

I did not get to meet Andrei. Nonetheless his death has been a loss to the whole family. May God give you and Stefan strenth, patience and serenity to accept Andrei’s premature departure. I love you Marcelle.

May

…. went to Blondie’s Pizza and Tower Records

….rode the Ninja down Bollinger Canyon Road and up into the Hills

….ran out of the house during the earthquake in 1989

….watched the Berlin Wall fall on TV

….talked about Rush and how the reverse osmosis machine made the water taste sweeter

….took turns hanging upside down on the ortho pod

….made oatmeal from fresh oats

….never fought